I'm really enjoying this WIP so far and I'm excited to follow the development!! The world and stakes you've created feel realistic and engaging, and I'm looking forward to learning more about the background and circumstances of the Community!! So far, I'm getting sketchy vibes from Oliver and Sabine, but Ezra is a treasure (and so is Elise. mom goals). I really like the vibe of the community and the theme you're setting up of communal healing :) Below I've left some (rather long, sorry) feedback and personal opinions; you're not obligated to slog through it, of course -- I really admire this project and your work ethic regardless of suggestions you take. Thank you so much for sharing your art with us <3
-------
In terms of critique, I did notice typos throughout -- e.g. "signficant," "physcial", and "unfortuntely" -- as well as a few grammatical/phrasing issues but I assume since this is a WIP, that will all get taken care of. I just wanted to point them out :)
Also, I didn't understand the scene in Ch1 in which Ezra and MC are...dancing? I'm unsure what you mean by "the miming in a mirror thing" and I feel that the actions described are hard to follow, especially with all the changing lefts and rights.
Something that I find a bit disorienting is the speed at which the relationships in the game move -- as a reader, I've just met these people, and within a few minutes of playing, your character is already, for example, engaged in a seductive tobacco rolling scene with this guy we know little-to-nothing about. It just feels a bit...too much too soon to me. I wish that we could have more time to become familiar with these characters before the game puts you into romantic scenes, since they're still practically strangers to me. I wanted to talk to Oliver more in that scene to see if we could get more information on the ruling or plans, but your character just immediately forgives him and it goes into this romantically-charged scene, which felt really jarring to me. I feel like that tone makes some sense with Ezra, since reading it, I believe that they have a long-term relationship, but I don't get that sense with the other characters. It feels unnatural to me.
Similarly to the previous point, this is a more structural concern -- I mentioned the theme of communal healing earlier. I feel like, while tackling this theme is a valiant goal for the story, at the moment it feels a bit spoon-fed to the reader, in my opinion. You mention or state outright that a character of the community is traumatized or healing multiple times throughout the first 2 chapters -- as a reader, I would much rather be shown this through characters' or the community's actions, facial expressions, behaviors, routines, etc than have it told outright to me after a scene via the omniscient narrator's version of the MC's internal monologue. There are so many interesting behaviors and struggles that could come from situations like this and i think it would be really interesting to have that explored more subtly and deeply. Again, this is a wonderful theme to be tackling, and I'm incredibly excited to see how you handle it. :)
Lastly, I played the Historian path, and I wanted to point out that, to me, the profession you're describing sounds much more like an anthropologist than a historian. I'm studying anthropology, and the processes you describe (visiting events, taking objective notes, etc) are pretty much exactly what anthropology is, whereas history is less of researching current events that will become history and more researching events that already are history. At least, that's my understanding -- it's a super minor point, but I figured it's worth at least bringing up!
-------
I hope none of this comes across as harsh! I really do love this WIP -- your worldbuilding is intriguing, I find the format interesting, and overall I'm hyped to see where the story goes!! I'm just hoping to give some impressions that I got on my read-through for the sake of constructive criticism.
Hi - thank you so much for your thorough comment!! It definitely does not come off as harsh β this is a one woman project, so I find feedback like this really valuable.
Not going to address everything in here, but for one, yes typos will definitely be fixed! I'm really chewing over your comment on the speed of relationships, as my original intention was to make it clear that MC and Oliver have known each other for some time, and so the assumption is that they've had little moments similar to this in the past and it's just now ramping up. It's helpful to me to know that that's either not coming across, or it isn't laid out well enough.
Your point on spoon-fed healing/trauma processing is well-taken. It's definitely more explicit than I would probably portray in something like a visual medium, but it's more of a background theme than I would say a "goal" of the writing. The healing from trauma is intended to provide justification for some of the actions that the characters take and to further color their personalities, but I'm not sure they'll be explored much beyond that in terms of "healing." I hope this doesn't make the game less interesting for you! I just don't feel particularly strong about attempting to really heal them from that trauma in the bounds of this story (or if it would even be possible).
I also hope this doesn't sound like a harsh reply - it's given me so much to think about moving forward, and I'm so grateful for the time you spent to think through and write up this response. πππ
You're not harsh at all either!! Massive kudos to you for being so open to constructive criticism <3 (also, kudos for the best profile picture on this website)
My only further response to your response is to bring up what you said about using healing from trauma as justification for characters' actions. As a complex trauma survivor, I think that this is bit of a shaky line to walk -- trauma is not ever an excuse or justification for negative/antisocial/abusive behavior. Abuse, manipulation, aggression, et cetera -- while they are common responses to trauma -- are never justified responses. I think that it's completely reasonable and even admirable to want to display realistic (i.e. sometimes maladaptive) responses to struggle, it's important to also not put forth a narrative in which those maladaptive responses are portrayed as healthy to readers and characters. Of course, I'm not sure what your intentions are, but your wording stuck out to me and, just in case, I wanted to provide my perspective as someone who has dealt with these issues. Even if psychological trauma isn't a major theme of your work (which, btw, I'm hyped either way; you're in no way obligated to make your art any darker or grittier or more psychological than you want to!!), it is a sensitive topic that I think it worth putting additional thought into while writing. Sensitivity readers are also a great resource!
Again, thanks for much for your kind and thoughtful response! I'm really excited to follow Scout's progress -- you're a very talented writer!! :)
I created an account just to be able to comment on this game. I'm at a loss for words to even begin to describe how amazing this game is. The characters are well developed and I'm completely invested in the story line. My favorite is Oliver because I'm a sucker for tough guys that are only vulnerable towards the mc trope, plus I feel like Ezra is way too good for me and deserves the entire world. I'm looking forward to Chapter 3 please keep updating :)
Thank you so much for reading!!! Your comment on Ezra made me laugh out loud. Definitely continuing to update β Chapter 3 is coming at the end of July.
My gosh, the update was so good! Look, I'm an Ezra girl, but Oliver? The scene with his tattoo???? I'm dying, that was so freaking cute. The intimacy between the MC and Oliver is so different from the one with Ezra and you make such a good job in writing both! I'm a fan of the whole "silent longing" and "the stoic type who was a weakness for the MC" so Oliver romance is surely becoming one of my favs too. But man, the scene with Ezra was also amazing! And Sabine! Such an interesting character. I'm looking forward to seeing more of her and your work in general! Keep up the good work <3
Thank you SO SO much for playing! I'm so happy that you're finding something fun in each of the RO routes. I typically go for the silent type in text games and so figured I would be better at writing those routes - but I've been seeing a lot of love for Ezra, which is so lovely. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support!!
E(zra, in my case) already has my heart in the palm of their hand... Oliver is my best bro and I would die for him, Gage seems like a rude boy and I would absolutely kick his ass. (softly bc i like him) And I'm super excited to meet Sabine more and learn her personality! This is definitely an inspiration to me for my interest in making visual novels! Love the atmospheric writing, the snippets of characters' personalities in the little things they do, and how neatly everything is tied together! One of my favorite visual novels I've read thus far, for sure!
Thank you so much for playing!! Gage needs his ass kicked at least a little.
Ahh, so cool you're interested in making visual novels! I am solely a text based person because I can't draw for shit, but I'm sure I would adore anything you put out. Thank you again for reading and commenting, it is SO appreciated!
A lot to say, but I'm going to start with if anything happens to Oliver I will tear this desert apart with my bare hands. No one will be safe from my wrath. "This is it; me, distracted" grind that shit up into a powder so I can season all my food with it.
Besides infatuation, I'm really impressed with your Twine set up. It's crazy colourful and you've got a lot of menus which, even if you found it easy, was probably a mess to put together and I'm super impressed !! Also, the multiple save files; my god the multiple save files. I've had such an ordeal trying to bully Twine into relaxing and just letting it happen ;; Which kinda Twine language there did you end up using?
I did notice a few instances where my Elle was referred to as Ezra (and sorry I can't be more specific about when: I was a bit slow to the uptake for some reason, so I didn't make specific line notes), in the scene where Elle/Ezra is piggybacking you away from Gage (I think it happened when you were meant to be getting off Elle/Ezra's back and choosing who to lean on in the rover), and the scene just before (Commiserate with Ezra or something similar, both the prompt and the bit before where Elle/Ezra is suggesting that the info was bad), but other than that everything totally checked out.
I really did like the kind of atmospheric setting— the desert, the broken down motor, the shack— versus the like, common human elements like the party, making tea, the white hot rage of being disrespected by a superior because you're right and they're wrong and they hate it...a balance of genre and just human realism.
Anyway the council is about to catch these hands if they try to softblock me from my job Β―\_(γ)_/Β―
I am FLOORED by this comment β thank you endlessly for your thoughtful notes. That you paid so much attention to the game is making my heart happy ππππ I'm so glad you love Oliver. Emotionally constipated is often my go to choice in these games, so I try to do him justice.
I use Harlowe for Twine because SugarCube stressed me out. But at this point, I've started doing so many workarounds for Harlowe I might as well have just started out using SugarCube in the first place...ah, well. So glad you like the menus and colors! It's hard to figure out what is too much for the eye after a while working on the same game, so I'm happy it's not too intrusive.
The multiple saves will actually be the death of me. I spent so long trying to make it work and save as current date/time and eventually I just had to accept defeat. The multiple saved slots seemed like an okay compromise, but I'll still be pissed off about the saves when I'm a retired old woman.
THANK YOU for catching the Elle/Ezra bugs. They should be fixed now!
Thrilled you felt the more "apocalyptic" vs. modern-type elements were balanced well. This isn't supposed to be too far in the future, so it's not supposed to feel so divorced from reality that it's a completely different world. At least, that's what I'm attempting to go for.
The Council may or may not be...catching hands...a few chapters down the line.
THANK YOU AGAIN for playing from the bottom of my heart! π
I absolutely love this. <3 The first chapter left me excited for more. ;)) I'm usually picky on what I read, so believe me when I say I think you write very well. I also love the fact that we can shape our MC through the choices we make. You can expect me to play until the end hehehe.
Am curious though, are you working on this on your own?
Scout is an amazing game!! I love your writing so much, and Ezra, and Oli, and everyone!!! I'm sooo eagerly waiting for next update, can't wait to read/play more of it. You're amazing!!
Ahhhhh thank you so much!! I'm so, so happy you liked it! This is the first time I've released a game on itch.io so I really appreciate you commenting and coming back for more! I'm trying to keep to about a 2 week release schedule, so look out for an update in about 9-10 days.
This game is so good! Your writing is amazing, and the characters are incredible and oh man, I'm already a goner for Ezra. The premise is also very interesting, and the MC is such a badass. Also, the Scout Report (I think it was called that?) tab is very well done, and a very creative way of introducing the MC's stats. I'm looking forward to seeing more, and keep up the good work!
Thank you so much!!!! I'm so happy you liked the writing, and Ezra :) Currently in the process of writing a hellasoft scene with him for next chapter. Things like the Profile/Report page are somewhat complicated to code - so I'm thrilled you noticed and considered it a well-executed feature of the game!
Awww! I totally in love with this story! Amazing storytelling, beautiful character personalities, able to create a mc, and my favorite because i'm a sucker for childhood/best friend romance. This is really superb writing and i'm so freaken excited for the next chapter! Will you do any additional like add ons or side stories to this? I know this question is like kinda hard to answer since were still on chapter one but if you do or have time I would be so happy to spend money for it!<3
I'm so glad you liked it - thank you so much for playing!! I find the childhood romance actually somewhat difficult to write, so I'm really glad you're enjoying it. On the additional/side stories: I'm not sure yet! I'm definitely considering it. Thank you again for your support!
I absolutely love this. I have a weakness for post-apocalyptic fiction and this one is done so neatly. The amount of choices makes it easy to shape your own character, and the story is simply amazing. Canβt wait to read more!
First chapter was cool. really loved the setting and the characters were unique and all had their own thing. hope to see more and good luck on everything.
β Return to game
Comments
Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.
I'm really enjoying this WIP so far and I'm excited to follow the development!! The world and stakes you've created feel realistic and engaging, and I'm looking forward to learning more about the background and circumstances of the Community!! So far, I'm getting sketchy vibes from Oliver and Sabine, but Ezra is a treasure (and so is Elise. mom goals). I really like the vibe of the community and the theme you're setting up of communal healing :) Below I've left some (rather long, sorry) feedback and personal opinions; you're not obligated to slog through it, of course -- I really admire this project and your work ethic regardless of suggestions you take. Thank you so much for sharing your art with us <3
-------
In terms of critique, I did notice typos throughout -- e.g. "signficant," "physcial", and "unfortuntely" -- as well as a few grammatical/phrasing issues but I assume since this is a WIP, that will all get taken care of. I just wanted to point them out :)
Also, I didn't understand the scene in Ch1 in which Ezra and MC are...dancing? I'm unsure what you mean by "the miming in a mirror thing" and I feel that the actions described are hard to follow, especially with all the changing lefts and rights.
Something that I find a bit disorienting is the speed at which the relationships in the game move -- as a reader, I've just met these people, and within a few minutes of playing, your character is already, for example, engaged in a seductive tobacco rolling scene with this guy we know little-to-nothing about. It just feels a bit...too much too soon to me. I wish that we could have more time to become familiar with these characters before the game puts you into romantic scenes, since they're still practically strangers to me. I wanted to talk to Oliver more in that scene to see if we could get more information on the ruling or plans, but your character just immediately forgives him and it goes into this romantically-charged scene, which felt really jarring to me. I feel like that tone makes some sense with Ezra, since reading it, I believe that they have a long-term relationship, but I don't get that sense with the other characters. It feels unnatural to me.
Similarly to the previous point, this is a more structural concern -- I mentioned the theme of communal healing earlier. I feel like, while tackling this theme is a valiant goal for the story, at the moment it feels a bit spoon-fed to the reader, in my opinion. You mention or state outright that a character of the community is traumatized or healing multiple times throughout the first 2 chapters -- as a reader, I would much rather be shown this through characters' or the community's actions, facial expressions, behaviors, routines, etc than have it told outright to me after a scene via the omniscient narrator's version of the MC's internal monologue. There are so many interesting behaviors and struggles that could come from situations like this and i think it would be really interesting to have that explored more subtly and deeply. Again, this is a wonderful theme to be tackling, and I'm incredibly excited to see how you handle it. :)
Lastly, I played the Historian path, and I wanted to point out that, to me, the profession you're describing sounds much more like an anthropologist than a historian. I'm studying anthropology, and the processes you describe (visiting events, taking objective notes, etc) are pretty much exactly what anthropology is, whereas history is less of researching current events that will become history and more researching events that already are history. At least, that's my understanding -- it's a super minor point, but I figured it's worth at least bringing up!
-------
I hope none of this comes across as harsh! I really do love this WIP -- your worldbuilding is intriguing, I find the format interesting, and overall I'm hyped to see where the story goes!! I'm just hoping to give some impressions that I got on my read-through for the sake of constructive criticism.
Hi - thank you so much for your thorough comment!! It definitely does not come off as harsh β this is a one woman project, so I find feedback like this really valuable.
Not going to address everything in here, but for one, yes typos will definitely be fixed! I'm really chewing over your comment on the speed of relationships, as my original intention was to make it clear that MC and Oliver have known each other for some time, and so the assumption is that they've had little moments similar to this in the past and it's just now ramping up. It's helpful to me to know that that's either not coming across, or it isn't laid out well enough.
Your point on spoon-fed healing/trauma processing is well-taken. It's definitely more explicit than I would probably portray in something like a visual medium, but it's more of a background theme than I would say a "goal" of the writing. The healing from trauma is intended to provide justification for some of the actions that the characters take and to further color their personalities, but I'm not sure they'll be explored much beyond that in terms of "healing." I hope this doesn't make the game less interesting for you! I just don't feel particularly strong about attempting to really heal them from that trauma in the bounds of this story (or if it would even be possible).
I also hope this doesn't sound like a harsh reply - it's given me so much to think about moving forward, and I'm so grateful for the time you spent to think through and write up this response. πππ
You're not harsh at all either!! Massive kudos to you for being so open to constructive criticism <3 (also, kudos for the best profile picture on this website)
My only further response to your response is to bring up what you said about using healing from trauma as justification for characters' actions. As a complex trauma survivor, I think that this is bit of a shaky line to walk -- trauma is not ever an excuse or justification for negative/antisocial/abusive behavior. Abuse, manipulation, aggression, et cetera -- while they are common responses to trauma -- are never justified responses. I think that it's completely reasonable and even admirable to want to display realistic (i.e. sometimes maladaptive) responses to struggle, it's important to also not put forth a narrative in which those maladaptive responses are portrayed as healthy to readers and characters. Of course, I'm not sure what your intentions are, but your wording stuck out to me and, just in case, I wanted to provide my perspective as someone who has dealt with these issues. Even if psychological trauma isn't a major theme of your work (which, btw, I'm hyped either way; you're in no way obligated to make your art any darker or grittier or more psychological than you want to!!), it is a sensitive topic that I think it worth putting additional thought into while writing. Sensitivity readers are also a great resource!
Again, thanks for much for your kind and thoughtful response! I'm really excited to follow Scout's progress -- you're a very talented writer!! :)
I created an account just to be able to comment on this game. I'm at a loss for words to even begin to describe how amazing this game is. The characters are well developed and I'm completely invested in the story line. My favorite is Oliver because I'm a sucker for tough guys that are only vulnerable towards the mc trope, plus I feel like Ezra is way too good for me and deserves the entire world. I'm looking forward to Chapter 3 please keep updating :)
Thank you so much for reading!!! Your comment on Ezra made me laugh out loud. Definitely continuing to update β Chapter 3 is coming at the end of July.
AHHH THANK YOU! I'm so thrilled you liked it and cannot WAIT for you to read more!!!
My gosh, the update was so good! Look, I'm an Ezra girl, but Oliver? The scene with his tattoo???? I'm dying, that was so freaking cute. The intimacy between the MC and Oliver is so different from the one with Ezra and you make such a good job in writing both! I'm a fan of the whole "silent longing" and "the stoic type who was a weakness for the MC" so Oliver romance is surely becoming one of my favs too. But man, the scene with Ezra was also amazing! And Sabine! Such an interesting character. I'm looking forward to seeing more of her and your work in general! Keep up the good work <3
Thank you SO SO much for playing! I'm so happy that you're finding something fun in each of the RO routes. I typically go for the silent type in text games and so figured I would be better at writing those routes - but I've been seeing a lot of love for Ezra, which is so lovely. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support!!
E(zra, in my case) already has my heart in the palm of their hand... Oliver is my best bro and I would die for him, Gage seems like a rude boy and I would absolutely kick his ass. (softly bc i like him) And I'm super excited to meet Sabine more and learn her personality! This is definitely an inspiration to me for my interest in making visual novels! Love the atmospheric writing, the snippets of characters' personalities in the little things they do, and how neatly everything is tied together! One of my favorite visual novels I've read thus far, for sure!
Thank you so much for playing!! Gage needs his ass kicked at least a little.
Ahh, so cool you're interested in making visual novels! I am solely a text based person because I can't draw for shit, but I'm sure I would adore anything you put out. Thank you again for reading and commenting, it is SO appreciated!
A lot to say, but I'm going to start with if anything happens to Oliver I will tear this desert apart with my bare hands. No one will be safe from my wrath. "This is it; me, distracted" grind that shit up into a powder so I can season all my food with it.
Besides infatuation, I'm really impressed with your Twine set up. It's crazy colourful and you've got a lot of menus which, even if you found it easy, was probably a mess to put together and I'm super impressed !! Also, the multiple save files; my god the multiple save files. I've had such an ordeal trying to bully Twine into relaxing and just letting it happen ;; Which kinda Twine language there did you end up using?
I did notice a few instances where my Elle was referred to as Ezra (and sorry I can't be more specific about when: I was a bit slow to the uptake for some reason, so I didn't make specific line notes), in the scene where Elle/Ezra is piggybacking you away from Gage (I think it happened when you were meant to be getting off Elle/Ezra's back and choosing who to lean on in the rover), and the scene just before (Commiserate with Ezra or something similar, both the prompt and the bit before where Elle/Ezra is suggesting that the info was bad), but other than that everything totally checked out.
I really did like the kind of atmospheric setting— the desert, the broken down motor, the shack— versus the like, common human elements like the party, making tea, the white hot rage of being disrespected by a superior because you're right and they're wrong and they hate it...a balance of genre and just human realism.
Anyway the council is about to catch these hands if they try to softblock me from my job Β―\_(γ)_/Β―
I am FLOORED by this comment β thank you endlessly for your thoughtful notes. That you paid so much attention to the game is making my heart happy ππππ I'm so glad you love Oliver. Emotionally constipated is often my go to choice in these games, so I try to do him justice.
I use Harlowe for Twine because SugarCube stressed me out. But at this point, I've started doing so many workarounds for Harlowe I might as well have just started out using SugarCube in the first place...ah, well. So glad you like the menus and colors! It's hard to figure out what is too much for the eye after a while working on the same game, so I'm happy it's not too intrusive.
The multiple saves will actually be the death of me. I spent so long trying to make it work and save as current date/time and eventually I just had to accept defeat. The multiple saved slots seemed like an okay compromise, but I'll still be pissed off about the saves when I'm a retired old woman.
THANK YOU for catching the Elle/Ezra bugs. They should be fixed now!
Thrilled you felt the more "apocalyptic" vs. modern-type elements were balanced well. This isn't supposed to be too far in the future, so it's not supposed to feel so divorced from reality that it's a completely different world. At least, that's what I'm attempting to go for.
The Council may or may not be...catching hands...a few chapters down the line.
THANK YOU AGAIN for playing from the bottom of my heart! π
I absolutely love this. <3 The first chapter left me excited for more. ;)) I'm usually picky on what I read, so believe me when I say I think you write very well. I also love the fact that we can shape our MC through the choices we make. You can expect me to play until the end hehehe.
Am curious though, are you working on this on your own?
All the best in writing future chapters!
Thank you so much for reading - I'm so glad you're enjoying it!!
I am working on this by myself - it's a one woman project :)
Scout is an amazing game!! I love your writing so much, and Ezra, and Oli, and everyone!!! I'm sooo eagerly waiting for next update, can't wait to read/play more of it. You're amazing!!
Ahhhhh thank you so much!! I'm so, so happy you liked it! This is the first time I've released a game on itch.io so I really appreciate you commenting and coming back for more! I'm trying to keep to about a 2 week release schedule, so look out for an update in about 9-10 days.
This game is so good! Your writing is amazing, and the characters are incredible and oh man, I'm already a goner for Ezra. The premise is also very interesting, and the MC is such a badass. Also, the Scout Report (I think it was called that?) tab is very well done, and a very creative way of introducing the MC's stats. I'm looking forward to seeing more, and keep up the good work!
Thank you so much!!!! I'm so happy you liked the writing, and Ezra :) Currently in the process of writing a hella soft scene with him for next chapter. Things like the Profile/Report page are somewhat complicated to code - so I'm thrilled you noticed and considered it a well-executed feature of the game!
Gosh, I can't wait! The whole "so desperately hungry" when Ezra looks at the Scout was *chef's kiss.* That longing right there is my cup of tea <3
Awww! I totally in love with this story! Amazing storytelling, beautiful character personalities, able to create a mc, and my favorite because i'm a sucker for childhood/best friend romance. This is really superb writing and i'm so freaken excited for the next chapter! Will you do any additional like add ons or side stories to this? I know this question is like kinda hard to answer since were still on chapter one but if you do or have time I would be so happy to spend money for it!<3
I'm so glad you liked it - thank you so much for playing!! I find the childhood romance actually somewhat difficult to write, so I'm really glad you're enjoying it. On the additional/side stories: I'm not sure yet! I'm definitely considering it. Thank you again for your support!
I absolutely love this. I have a weakness for post-apocalyptic fiction and this one is done so neatly. The amount of choices makes it easy to shape your own character, and the story is simply amazing. Canβt wait to read more!
Wow - thank you so much!! I'm so glad you liked it. I'm obsessed with Perfumare and (knowing your writing) this feels like such a great compliment.
First chapter was cool. really loved the setting and the characters were unique and all had their own thing. hope to see more and good luck on everything.
Thank you for playing!! I'm trying to keep to a 2-3 week schedule, so Chapter 2 should be out this month.
No pressure, i'm along for the journey. :~)